At The Cottage, we believe survivors deserve information, choices, and compassionate support without pressure or judgment. If something happened to someone you love—whether recently or long ago—we are here to walk with you, connect you to resources, and help you support the survivor on their healing journey.
To speak to someone about your loved one, please call our Crisis Hotline at 1.877.363.1912
Learn about sexual abuse/rape and the healing process. If you have a basic idea of what the survivor is going through, it will help you to be supportive. You have already found a great place to start! A rape crisis center like The Cottage offers a wide variety of resources, including the guidance below, as well as our FAQs about Abuse, Help for Adults, and Help for Children and Teens pages. There are also many other websites with helpful information: RAINN, NSVRC, and more. Talk with other survivors and supporters of survivors. Many are willing to share what has helped them or can give ideas on how to deal with a certain situation.
You will need to be proactive in recognizing and processing your own emotions without letting them take center stage. Be aware that outbursts of emotion may cause the survivor to feel responsibility. Don’t add to their worries.
Even if they sometimes doubt themselves, even if their memories are vague, even if what they tell you sounds too extreme, believe them. Survivors don’t make up stories of sexual abuse or rape. In fact, the prevalence of false reporting for sexual assault crimes is extremely low — between two and ten percent (NSVRC). Let them know that you are open to hearing anything they wish to share and that, although it’s painful and upsetting, you are willing to enter those difficult places with them and receive their words with respect.
It is most important to listen to the survivor and let them talk, rather than you asking questions about the assault.
Their anger, pain, frustration, confusion and fear are natural, healthy responses. They need to feel them, express them, and be heard. Do not tell them to try and forget—if the survivor does not work through the emotions now, they will resurface later.
Abuse or rape is never the survivor’s fault. No one asks to be abused or raped. The survivor did what they had to do to survive. Fault always lies with the perpetrator and only with the perpetrator.
Trauma is not comparative. The impacts and effects of an assault on a person are just as valid regardless of what occurred during the assault.
The survivor needs your absolute loyalty. There is no space for sympathizing with the perpetrator in survivor support.
Affirm and validate the damage. Sexual abuse and rape are harmful. Even if it’s not violent, overtly physical, or repeated, abuse and rape can have serious consequences.
Healing is a slow and personal process that can’t be hurried. Practice patience and understanding for the road ahead.
In addition to offering yourself as a source of support, encourage them to reach out to others. Offer to go with them to appointments or meetings. Be sure that your support is non-judgmental. Get support for yourself as you will have many feelings about the abuse or rape also. It is important to take care of yourself so you can be there for the survivor. The Cottage supports both survivors and their non-offending loved ones. Call our 24/7 hotline to learn more: 1-877-363-1912.
Empower the survivor to make their own decisions. Being assaulted means losing power and control over one’s body. Restoring decision-making power and control as quickly as possible will help them to heal. This means they get to decide whether or not to report the assault to the police and who they want to tell their story to.
Continue to see them as a strong, courageous person who is reclaiming their own life.
There will likely be major changes in your relationship with the survivor as they heal. They are changing, and as they do, you may need to change in response. This is a normal part of the healing journey.
Most survivors are not suicidal, but sometimes the pain of the abuse or rape is so devastating that the survivor may want to kill themselves. If you are close to a survivor who is suicidal, get help immediately.
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
24/7 Crisis & Information Hotline
Call: 1-877-363-1912
Our hotline is available 24/7, 365 days a year. You do not have to be in an immediate crisis. The hotline is free, confidential, and usually the first point of contact for anyone seeking support, information, or guidance. Language translation services are also available to eliminate any barriers.
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Call 911 if you are in immediate danger or experiencing a life-threatening emergency.
